I ran into a friend the other day after I finished my appointment with my dietitian. She was sitting in the hall waiting for her next appointment so we chatted for a few minutes and caught each other up on our lives. We met three years ago during IOP, both of us anxious to be there for the first time. We spent hours and hours in therapy together, struggled through dinners, supported each other. Five months together, sitting in crowded rooms, learning how to change our habits and fight the eating disorder. And then we had to say goodbye when I was the first to be discharged. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see her again and I knew I wouldn’t have the same support outside of the program.
Where I went for IOP, they highly discouraged contact and relationships outside of the program. We weren’t allowed to give hugs for support, even when we had to say goodbye to those who listened to our darkest secrets. I’m not a huggy person by nature so that rule was fine with me, although, I gave a few hugs to others when I felt it was appropriate. As for the no friendship rule, I’m torn on it.
In today’s world where mostly everyone uses Facebook, it’s very easy to keep in touch with others. I am “Facebook friends” with the majority of people I met in treatment. I’m sure the treatment providers are not stupid; they know the powers of Facebook and they can’t control what we do online while we’re at home. It’s understandable the reasoning behind the rule since anything can happen online. Pro-anorexia sites are easy to access and if a friend is having a rough time with the eating disorder, it’s easy to drag another person down. For those struggling, it probably isn’t the best idea to have a support system consisting of all eating disorder friends.
On one hand, sharing things on Facebook can be a slippery slope. Once negativity starts, it’s hard to control and can get out of hand. I’ve been friends with those who stayed stuck in the sick world and their status updates were not great. I’d constantly read about struggles, both with food and providers. Blame was put on the professionals when there is really only one person who can change: yourself. Out of frustration, I let someone know that she was the reason she was still sick, it was no one else’s fault. She deleted me as a friend. But that’s ok because I told her the truth. Another person struggling may sympathize with the sick side and feel hopeless, blaming it all on the system and taking no responsibility for their own actions.
However, the contact can also be helpful. I’ve been on the receiving end of others reaching out for help and support, and I’ve also asked for advice. A friend once created a private group for everyone to share their support and it was positive. It’s great to see when someone updates their status with an accomplishment, or when they share how happy they are now. It shows me how much can be changed with time and it’s exciting to see. There have been a few times where I’ve hung out with friends from treatment, and even though we know each other because of the eating disorder, conversation wasn’t focused on it. While we met because of the eating disorder, I probably would be friends with them if we met another way, too.
I suppose the problem isn’t the person or having a relationship, but how much focus is directly on the eating disorder. It’s hard enough fighting the demons by yourself, but it’s even harder with another person struggling along with you. Unless there’s encouragement and support, it could turn into a sticky situation pretty fast.
If Nothing Changes 